HAPPY DIWALI aka
HAPPY DEEPAVALI

1）你把我给吓坏了
2）我把他给吓坏了

1）是你自己放弃我给你的机会
it was you who dont give a damn and ran off.
so why are you asking for another chance?

2）我不自道我为什么会这样做
you said i sound emo
is it? i dont know?

around two weeks already.
and im getting emo and emo-er as the days passed.
and i dont wanna go india now.
i dont know why.
within a blink of an eye you will find me back in singapore blogging.
but now i dont wanna leave le.
im sorry for what i have done.
i promise
i promise i will cherish everything that i have now
and not take thing for granted
i hope when im back i would have learnt alot in india.
and by then i would be more humble!
i just packed everything
but i seem as though i havent packed finish.
I HATE PACKING OF LUGGAGE MAN!


我对我所做的一切
感到非常的抱歉
and i hope that this two weeks would also give me and also you,
the both of us to calm down.
i really wish that when im back we both would still be like..
how we were in the past.
i want my past to be my future too. :D
grant me my wish baby.
you can say that its too late to regret or what
but i dont give a damn.
cause you matters to me.

i want my life to be completed .
for it to be completed.
you gotta forgive and forget.
pretend nth happened.
and step into my world.


*add on*
i just realised i faced my com for a long time.
doing crap.
and im wasting my time.
should not have on my laptop man.
since sat till today
i watched 学警出更
thinking back i really wasted my time man
wasted my time watching this 30 ep show
in 3 days time.
i should not have watched on sat
and should watched it when im back man.
i should have packed my luggage slowly and take note of what im bring.
now i dont even know whats in my luggage..
stupid man

im going india in less then 12 hours time
im going india in less then 12 hours time
im going india in less then 12 hours time
im going india in less then 12 hours time
im going india in less then 12 hours time

ok larh
not that excited kays.
im more excited about my birthday.
hehe.
well.
after or on my birthday im so gonna change can.
or maybe after i come back from india.
let me nag a little lurh.
is like if i never go india
i will be holding a bday party.
i will receives tons of wishes/msges etc etc
but now i going india.
think many wun send me msg le lurh.
cos many got tt thinking tt their bill will over larh.
which is so wrong can.
i in india i received i stil needa pay money de.
nvm nvm nvm.
the thought of 235am flight.
gonna kill me man.
the thought of not going to be able to have a nice sleep on my birthday is so sad.
the thought of not being able to spend my birthday with my family make me wana cry can.
cause every year my birthday wil be with them de marh.
then tmr my grandma coming singapore.
but im nt around.
and if im ard.
still can celebrate wid her somemore.
who dont want?!
not me.
let me boast a little.
i v good can although i forgotten to send a bday card to winnie.
but well i called her up on 25oct 1221am.
can consider not bad lurh.
which cousin would do such a silly thing.
sweet of me rite?
haha.
but i think tonight she wouldnt call me.
cause she knew im gg india.
big moth larh me.
then she would haf the thinking tt even if she call.
i wouldnt be ard or what lurh.
but at 12am i be with my parent leh.
1230 lyk tt den check in what!!!
qi si wo le.
nvm.
wahpiang.
2 weeks in india.
duno i cn tahan or nt.
and i wanna go kite flying over dere!
hehes

anyway thanks many
to those who wished me happy birthday in advance.
loves.
hees.
and i know i know.
many were like asking me why no bday party.
well, reason very simple.
cause i need to lan de marh.
then last time i dunno when i going india.
so bobian.
sad for pri sch mates larh.
cnt mit up.
my bday party = meet up/ gathering for pri sch kiddies can

JOEYCHUA I BE WAITING FOR MY BIG BIG CARD WORH.

THANKS LIXUAN FOR UR
-CAKE
-ANDERSON'S TWO SCOOP ICECREAM
-HISH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 on 24oct

shld be nth much le barh.
still nida pack fin my lugage
but im still sad about not being able to celebrate my bday on the day itself wid my family
esp when my grandma would be in singapore!

i believe that up to now.
im trying to numb myself from that feeling by making myself
hmm?
to change for the worse.
to think that i did well actually when i didnt.
etc etc etc.
everyone whom i msg to tell them my feelings.
would know how i like numbing myself.
committing suicide etc etc.
but i really had to thanks alot for their encouragement.

everytime i think about the moments that people suan me etc.
i would get upset.
be it ppl scolding me or saying that i didnt try my best or say i shld haf done btr.
i would start to reprimand myself and think about dying.
but then.
my question is
have you ever really see how hard i study and wanting to strive for the best.
have you?
all you guys seen was me playing and taking things likely.
you guys never seen how hard i study.
including those who are living with me.
cause i always like ehh.
aiya nvm one larh.
i so pro.
wun die one larh.
dun care me larh.
tts it.

dad would encourage sis like how he did when i was young.
but now i dont hear any encouragements or praises frm him.
to me praises mean alot can.
dad keep saying sis tried her best.
well and of course i know it can.
and i can understand.
and i know tt shes really cut out to work sth or study sth tts related to car.
she really got talent in that.
and i dont mind her workin towards that.

but th thing is that.
whenever i cry
ppl might think tt im a crybaby.
etc etc etc.
but do they know why i cry.

i mentioned that i studies hard.
but the problem is that everytime i do a paper.
i tend to make CARELESS mistake.
it careless so u tink i wan de ma?
and who the hell would cry for the sick of crying.
sicko ar.

ohh.
and hor.
all you ppl see is that i wanna own everyting.
i wanna be like a rich girl.
im greedy.
i wanna own what others dont have.
i tends to not trust ppl fully etc etc
but have you ever wonder why?!
i been thru alot.
hurts and everything.
someone who is so close to me can lie to me.
so i gotta take some precaution.
among all my fren
i think KHOO LI XUAN is the one whom i can trust fully.
and im happy about that.
shes really a wonderful fren to me(KLX! ni kan dao le ma?)
sometime u can see tt i zikua.
but tts for fun.
but im really useless
it haf been so long since someone praised me.
i got 2nd in calss for maths.
but did anyone praised me?
even if i fail you can also praise me one right?
okay larh like this mayb suanin.
but nvm one right?
i admit that im super duper jealous when others are btr den mi etc etc.(in sum cases larh)
cannt is it?
im a human rite?
who dont gt jealous?
i see others gtin lousier den me but kena praise
den i dun haf.
of cos buay song de marh.
i now recently i damn paikia attitude.
not in sch larh.
out of sch.
but ders must b at least a reason to it one rite?
mayb i dun feel loved?
den act ahpai to seek attention etc etc.
have u ever thought abt tt?
NO!
why?
cause to u guys im th guai kia.
cause whenever i suffer i secretly suffer only.
i dont like.
ehh u like tt i very sad one k.
etcetc
i dun lyk.
im those who act brave buay brave.
cannt isit?

sometime when i gt my result.
i nt happy can sae meh?
cnnt right.
must keep to myself. and haolian.
so what if my expectation is high?
so what!?

i wanna feel the care and love cant ar?
im a human man.
i wanna feel tt im impt.
i wanna be as greedy as possible when it come to hafin many ppl to love care dote on me.
cnt?

sometime i really hate myself for not showing the true me man!

im those who haf true frens standin by my side.
but i alwaes tink i dun haf.
humble marh!
cnt ar?

i wanna own everyting in order to not be hurt can i?
im nt given this chance man

who been thru the feeling of hurt?
its like oh so unbearable
miserable?
u been thru meh?
touch ur hart and ask urself larh!

to be frank.
when i touched my hart.
i know tt my tkd seniors mean gd de.
dey care for me de.
i know tt my family love me lots.
btu i alwaes deny it.
my dad expressed his love differently toward me and sis
tt caused me to nt lyk it when im demanding.
my frens care for me although dey dun tell mi.
i can see who are true de.
tink i blind ar?
since p4 i knew who are those who are true and who arent.
who wanna jio hu etc etc.
i all cn see.
unlyk some who cnt see.
i duno why i cn see larh.
and i nv go rong.
hahah
sometime i wished tt i cn go hm and jump to my own bed and scream and slp immediate.

anyway.
i told myself just now.
when im sec 4.
on my last day of sch.
im going to walk to the opp of the sch and scream!
: BYE! IM SO NOT GG IN AND STUDY AGN!
I DAMN F HATE U MAN!
etc etc etc.
=P
im guailan cnt ar?

ppl cheered me but i say dey nv.
im th blessed girl on earth but im also the one who deny being one.
cause im humble(this is extra de larh)
why uh?
i duno leh?

Overall

English
55% C5

Chinese
68% B3

Maths
73% A2

Sci
75% A1

Geog
61% B4

Hist
63% B4

Lit(E)
66% B4

D&T
63% B4

Homec
60% B4

VArt
63% B4

CME
C

Music
B

1 A1
1 A2
2 B3
5 B4
1 C5

class position : 10
level position : 79
sub pass: 10
L1R4 : 14
L1R5 : 18

CME was such a disappointment.
just because i didnt hand in my reflection i got C.
it was like wth!

i now im a disappintment.
i know.
i know my mum and dad werent overjoy by my english result,
although they didnt tell me.

maths was a disappointment too.
i minus 20 for careless mistakes!
which could have allowed me to get an A1 for overall.

the rest were like a little more to the next grade D:
nvm.
its over..
no point brooding over it right?

EOY's results

English Paper 1 : 32/60
Section 1(Q2) : 15/30
Section 2 : 17/30

English Paper 2 : 24/50

Chinese Paper 1 : 51/70
Situational Writing(Q2) : 18/20
Compo(Q4) : 33/50

Chinese Paper 2 : 49/70

Mathematics : 77/110
Paper 1: 37/50
Paper 2: 40/60

Science : 76.5/100
Physic: 43/50
Section A : 13/20
Section B : 13/10
Section C : 8.5/10(Q7)
8.5/10(Q8)
Bio and Chem : 33.5/50
Section A : 11/20
Section B : 8.5/10
Section C : 5/10(Q6)
9/10(Q7)

History : 44/80
Section A : 21/40
Q1 : 9/17
Q2 : 12/23
Section B :23/40
Q3 : 10/20
Q5 : 13/20

Design and Technology : 51/80

Well its like late now.
so not gonna post a long post.
today was oh so sian day in sch.
had robotic and music lesson.
got my overall results le.
tmr i will put all my result up and...
im racking my brain over the subj combination.
oh my tian.
i tot i said im nt gg to study anymore?
and why am i doing this now?
lastly ending with..

i miss cheryl(you gave me a fright on msn i tot wat nia) AND
WHERES MY DSi?!?!
when the hell is it coming to singapore can.
its like ard 10 more days for it to be selling(hot) in JAPAN?????

i dont know what to say now.
i should have ran across the road and just die.
i still dont get it.
why is it that ppl tends to apologise after knowing that they done sth wrong.
why the hell did chunfong said im lazy although i last min study.
but have he seen how hard i worked last time?
i dont give a damn about who im going to offend.
but i have already tolerate enough!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
today got all the paper except art and then student forum.
actually i wanna talk more about student forum but i have got no mood to talk about that.
talk about how i feel would be btr.
stayed back to rehearsal.
it have been very long ever since i really wanna do my best.
at 5pm.
waited for the student councillor and waited for miss wong and jerrick.
how we know last min they dont wanna eat.
so ate 5.55pm?
we walk to teh tarik.
then ordered and ate till 6.20pm?
walked back to sch and then waited my dad.
finished the meeting then went home.
bathed.
prepared to go tkd to meet sis.
brought my papers along as chunfong wanna see my maths.
then yiyang saw my physic paper.
i did well okay.
43/50
and then bio..
and hanwei was saying or asking sth related to maths.
and i said knn?
im not sure
simon said i haolian. cause i brought my paper
i was like 'its chunfong wanna me bring and let him see'
how could you malign me!!!!!!!
then hanwei looked at my paper.
but when i told him my eng result.
he kept telling me to buck up.
and of course i would like say no?
and then chunfong was so interested in maths.
so he took the maths paper.
and keep telling me all my careless mistake in part1.
i was like part2 careless mistakes i minus 10 le.
then part 1 also got?
wth.
he kept saying and saying and saying.
i turned away and wanna cry liao.
then hanwei was like dont like that or sth.
but i was also furious with chunfong saying that im lazy the last week.
hey baby.
did you ever see the effort i put in?
all you see was the last min work i done.
CHUNFONG IS UNLIKE HANWEI!
hanwei is more considerate larh!
i hate chunfong.
i hate him
i hate him
and i will always hate him.
simon also only knew that i last min studied with them.
and said that i admit im lazy or sth.
but thats the other case.
even if i lie to you?
you also believe arh?
well but he said it as the wrong time marh.
so its called unlucky lo.
okay back to topic.
and i cried.
i cried!
i cried!
i cnt believe it.
since last fri i have been wanting to sms hanwei to tell him how upset i feel..
but then.
he has his life and im not suppose to interupt his life.
until this morning i msged him.
okay fine.
at least hanwei didnt say i lazy or what.
think he sort of understand the condition im in.
is like as the day grew closer to the exam date i would get nervous and forgotten everything marh.
so last min study is nth larh?!
forget it idk what im talking.
then it was kind of hanwei to take the napkin for me
but i dont want it de lurh.
but i did use it lurh.
then did chunfong continue to nag?
i think he sort of did?
he even say he didnt wanna see part 2 cause he was like blood boiling.
i was like.
come on man.
i have been suppressing my feeling le.
dont make me like volcano like that and shout larh.
cry cry cry
is what i know.
then in the end.
hanwei say wanna treat me?
why should he larh.
then chunfong was like no larh.
i treat you larh.
cause is his fault?
at that moment my true feelings were out so you think i would want it.
and he sort of joked with what i wanna.
those stupid stuff.
ohh.
then dont know why he talked about tkd.
think he say wanna coach me or what.
but i replied(ehh im quite bad but im furious!)
saying that i dont wanna see him i see him for 2 years is enough.
he say ask coach to coach me.
but i dont give a damn.
and i said that im not buying the uniform for black belt.
which mean im not going back.
he kept touching my my head and apologise.
but whats the use.
im hurt.
and now i wanna die
(actually i dont know is the treat or the uniform thing 1st or the apologising.)
stop crying le then went out of mac.
talked on the phone.
and i wu yi zhong saw hanwei and simon walking out of mac i dont know about sis and chunfong.
but i was really very upset leh!
really very upset!!!!!
back to mac.
and i force myself to look at those shitty paper.
i wasnt happy but at least i sort of got my mood back.
cause i cnt be bother with (i dont know what to put here).
then i knew that im crazy.
im going to force myself to face those paper and make myself angry and remorseful.
and thats that.
if im not gg to at least double sci.
be prepared to say gdbye to the liqing now.
and i mean it.
after that walked to bustop.
but i keep like awhile walk faster then slower.
well at that time i and chunfong were like having cold war larh.
if im not wrong because i too rude to him he suggested for a change of place in mac.
he left forhome then we accompany hanwei to bustop then back to home.
i cant believe that i used the word fck infront of hanwei sis and simon.
i was like forcing myself not to say it.
but to write 'wtf' on maths paper la.

can i say 'let me die' ?

我好痛苦哦！
purposely lock myself up.
forbid myself to get in touch with the outside world is my way of making myself to not feel remorseful.
been trying to not allow myself to talk to anyone or call anyone beside my family members is also another way.
but then why am i doing all these to make myself not feel remorseful?
what the hell am i thinking.
i don't know. do you know?

just now i was wondering.
one day would i plead my dad profusely?
plead him to let me leave Singapore.
plead him to allow me to go America/Canada/Australia/England.
either one will do.
I'm not greedy.
plead him to sponsor me to study abroad.
i really wannabe successful.
but can i?

i don't even know what i want.
many time he allowed me to do what i want.
but then by then i wouldnt want it anymore.
oh gosh.
what is it that i really want?
what is it?

to think im feeling that remorseful about...

i cant believe that maths alone is enough to worried me.
i thought i said that maths wasnt important to me?
so why am i feeling like that now?

visited hy exchange blog.
and remembered those time we spent in china.
oh gosh.
i miss those time
although im goin india soon.
less than 2 weeks!
im nt excited but im scare.
i dont dare go leh.
i dont know why.
cause of this trip
no bday party.
actually can de lurh!!
is nt 27oct larh.
tcher lied to me!
is 28oct 2am flight.
kns can.
12am check in.
27oct 11pm meet?i assume larh
but then like that is 28oct den in india marh!!!
kns.
actuali 25 or 26 oct can kai party de.
bt oso duno why dunwan.
mayb cause tt time dey sae aft exam marh.
so i was alrdy prepared for nt hafin party.
den wen i knew is 27oct..
bo mood liao.

ytd went out with lixuan!!!
i chao ai ta de can.
hee.
went to westmall.
i eat laksa le den go swensen!!!
the place whr we played alot of stupid stuff.
haha.
these time the 5 flavours of ice cream nt bad uh
lime sherbet, orange sherbet, sticky chewy choco(favz man), choco malt and strawberry.
i rmb lime and orange sherbet will always be ordered unless on that day dun haf lurh.
hahah.
wen to 111.
favourite hunt.
this time nt only at 111 we talk abt the past bt oso at swensen.
rmb those 'crimes' we did.
and many mores.
well. thats not for u to know.
hahahahaha.
really had fun.
or rather happiness.
dont know why with her only then will feel lyk tt.
i wasnt even sad abt sch or what shit things.
ily man lixuan.
its lyk shes the one who brighten up my days.
walked home.
and last min!
last last last min!
we rmb the 'game' we always played.
kicked those seeds to the road and watched the 'exciting' part.
haha.
u wun gt it anyway.
but ytd damn sad.
got 2 seed only.
and thanks to me wongliqing to manage to kick open the 'cover'
kidna pain but it was all worth it.
heheheh.
then not long later sis saw us.
and suggested to play bbal although i was real tired and lixuan din wanna go hm.
played bbal.
so long nv play le.
really must exercise liao lo me.
back pain.
played around 1hr.
dn go to the playgrd nearby.
chitchat-ed etc etc.
my sis kip wantin to play with lixuan nia.
snatch away wo de feng tou?
haha.
jkjkjk.
how i wish everyday would be lyk ytd.
ohh.
i went to sch at the last min cause i wanted to pon de.
in the end sch was chao sian.
talk about gamblin then smrt.
then go class.
recess.
com lap1.
then canteen for the booth but our class no one went except me sc and kahhwee to buy stuff.
hahahah.
how stupid it can be.
then is free time then talk about sec 3 camp.
IM NOT GOING!
actually i dunida bother who knows i might not be in huayi anyway.
ahahhahaahhaahah.
dont miss me.
you wouldnt and u dunida.
many were angry larh.
is like this sch duno hw to manage wid their timetable lor.
we went to sch with de thinking tt we b gtin result..
and then leh!!!
kns larh.
but then 2e3 did well for science.
our class got 2nd .
so is like 2e5 got 1st then 2e3 then 2e4 got third then 2e1 got fourth then 2e2.
surprise leh.
2e1 so smart got th last 2nd.
while 2e3 is lyk the most bu kan hao de got 2nd.
haha.
11 A1 8 A2..
not bad lurh..
hehe.
today not sad liao visited millie's blog got that song jiu sad le..
heheh.
but overall stil okay larh.

BLOODY HELL.
TMR IM GTING MY PAPER BACKS.
ARGHH!!!
stupid larh.
my heart is pumping very fast lorh.
wishh me luck barh..
hehe..
hope when i get my maths result.
it would be tears of joy instead of...
hope before i gt bck my result.
he would be awake and pei me sms, comforting me.
hope i wouldnt want a hug frm him on wed/fri :DDD

finally i found out the reason on why is it that i find it so hard to trust or someone people.

even if its my family, my relatives, my friends, and others who i know or are close to me.

the reason is stupid but then it really is the reason that i have been searching for.
i rmb nt once nt twice but around three to ten times.
my 3rd aunt the lady whom caused me to be afraid to trust someone.
why?
since p4 or maybe p5 she had been telling me, promising me that she would bring my cousin whom i love dearly to singapore and visit me.
(last time if she came only stay less than a week when i requested for a week)
she always say until like as though she is coming.
and everytime without fail.
i would be ultra happy.
preparing what we gonna do when they arrived.
but always! always!
holidays arrived.
i waited impatiently hopin for the day to arrive.
and without fail.
i would be upset cause she didnt come.
actually when she promised me.
i knew. i already knew that she is lying. cause i know whats the main reason.
i really know!
but i dont understand why she wants to lie to me and not tell me the real reason.
instead sometime she say err.. she cnt get her leaves or my cousin having impt exam.
pls larh the impt exam is more impt than me?
well. i have got nothing to say.
to think that follish me willign to sacrifice everything for them.
i dont understand how can she bear to lie to the innocent me.
comfirm not coming dont want to tell me.
it was then until one day.
2007 cny.
i diao her. give her attitude.
im actually very sorry to do that.
but if i dont do that i will scream shout and scold her infront of her mum.
i bet no one wanna see me doing that. being rude to elder. making my mum no face or what.
whats more is cny.
but then i would react that way is cause it matters alot to me.
does she understand?
nope.
no one does. even you.
in the end my dad told her that i was angry for her telling to me many times.
(oh dear! i cnt believe im crying now lor.)-this show that how much this means to me.
and after that she never tell me that she will come to singapore.
why?
purely is because i never talk to her on the phone.
never ask her.
cause i dont want her to lie to me nor do i wanna hear her voice nor the truth.
so what if she haf apologise to me.
im upset and thats that.
up to now i never talk to her on the phone.
since then i met her twice.
grandpa's funeral and 2008 cny.
now im wondering if i should wish my cousin's bday soon.
and ask her if shes coming.
i wanted them to be part of my most impt ppl.
but then.
because of meetin each other during cny only.
our relationship cnt be closer.
last time i would go KL to visit them.
but now dad is working. and no one would wants him to take leave.
so you see..
if a year i go KL once. she visit me once. cny see each other once.
3 times. is more than enough.
by then i and my cousin relationship would be stronger than the rest.
but now we are on par or maybe im lagging.
sometimes when they visit my grandma in visit.
they didnt tell mi.
reach le then tell (tokin bout this im even more mad)
is like is too late for me to rush to my grandma hse to see them.
meaningless.
idk how.
idk if i should tell them how much i wanna see them
how much i wanna be closer to them
how much it means to me if they tell me that they are coming to s'pore to visit me.
how much my cousin means to me.
theres 8 cousins whom im close with.
but 3 are like useless to me. nth in common. and i dont really like them.
2 is like too mature but then they treat me so much btr. cause they are biased to me and sis.
another 2 is like ehh childish. useless.
which mean left this one and only cousin.
although we quarrel ALOT!
and when i try to mend my way
its too late. cause we wouldnt be seeing each other in s'pore or KL anymore.

idk why i wana tok abt this.
nth to b proud of.
maybe because my mum lecture me.
just because i said that it was 3rd aunt who caused me to not believe anyone.
caue initially i thought it was relationship that caused me but now i found the truth.
i shouldnt have told mum should have told dad instead.
mum said that i dont believe what other promise me can le larh.
but to me i love promises and i wanna cherish them and trust them.
so its like to many im those who doesnt bother about feelings.
but im actually one who bothers more than everyone.
kinship everythings means alot to me too.
everyone has a bad impression of me.
how am i going to change the impression they had of me?
by not looking piakia?
how to?
you see ar. im trying to act as nerd as possible in sch alrdy.
bloody hell.
why am i typing all this.
the problem is.
whateva i type arent enough to express myself out and let others to know the true me.
cause i also dont know myself well.
i've too many character in me.

did i mention about last fri?
nvm.
went to tkd late.
helped sir with the teaching?
ehh wait.
think i rote it before?
but i nt find it.
nvm.
and then we kept talking.
and its boring can.
hmm?
and i purposely chose two students whom i think they quite gd alrdy
followed by helping hanwei with the two cute students.
i sort of help only larh.
nth to do ma.
went mac.
nth much le.

sat went to raffles.
collected stock.
je-ed.
bus-ed home.
on the way parents were sort of on the way fetchin me,
so they waited for me at the busstop opp peps.
went to tampiness to pass some fd to dad's fren.
went terminal3.
me mum and sis had popeye(did i spell correctly?)
then to bugis cause sis wanna buy that bag.
and she bought it duh.

dont always think of ppl who dont love you..
cos they will always be balanced with people who do

is that true? maybe to some and maybe not to some. well, thats definitely no to me. maybe lets say..1unit of hatre equal to 1unit of love which they will balanced up. but then to me is 1unit of hatra to 10unit of love. and hatra will never be overcome by love.

it have been two days! two days of dream during the night! and now im afraid to go to bed. i dont wanna have anymore dream. its nightmare to me. i've been dream abou my maths result. 1st was 89 den 78. am i destined to gt below 70? well, i can only blame myself for being lazy since he said that im lazy. let it be. im tired. when will there be an end.

i regretted typing out those words in this blog. i really regretted. i supposed she read it and knew how i felt. but those feelings were when im feeling angry when im not i dont feel it this way. and i dont feel it now. but i really hate ppl to think tt dey are pro when dey arent and thinks tt dey r btr den mi when dey arent. well. anyway having been fren so a decade. i really hope. i really hope that we could be closer den what we used to :DD im so going to try ways and means to salvage our friendship :D

my heart is getting heavier day by day. how i wish that when i got my result there will be a hug awaiting for me by him. but its impossible. we are in diff sch so hw could it be possible? let me cry till wed where the tears would be invisible and no one can see. should i put a full stop to my life or a comma will do?

Recently, I have been posting lesser and lesser. Well, didnt have the mood to. Even now, i dont have the mood to but im feeling down. SO i suppose that the best way is to post.

during the exams..
didnt really go out.
and have been eating packed lunch too.
im really sad.
really really sad.
idk why?
i've gt my black belt. so need not worry about it.
i sort of want wed to arrive early and also later.
why?
i really wish to know my result.
cause i know i did badly for maths and im upset about chunfong saying that im lazy.
maybe it was meant to encourage me but i felt very hurt when i saw that msg.
why?
cause as you guys know i hate to be malign!
it might be true that i may seem lazy infront of him larh!
but then im not.
maybe im doing stuff to make ppl care for me? dote more on me?
idk.
to be frank now i dont even know what kinda person i am?
emo kind? hyper kind? or what? shy shy type? innocent type? act pai type?
well thats many type and i cnt possibly type them all out.
i suppose im those who willing to sacrifice for those i love willingly.
and everytime i sacrifice i dont wanna them to know,
this is why they never know how much i suffered!
i hate it!
i may seem to be those materialistic girl! but im not!
im those who purely wants perfect life.
those who wanna happiness! who want good grades! to want to have as many friends as possible!
but?!
no one knows.
cause if i tell someone that i want that it may seem that im not a good friend.
who could i confide to?
family?
tcher?
counsellor?
lixuan?
millie?
lifang?
chunfong?
hanwei?
relative?
well. i cnt!
all i can do is to bury them deep down in my heart.
cause i si ai mian zi.
i dont wanna others to know im suffering when i am now!
im stil angry?/upset? about chunfong saying im lazy when mummy said it was meant to encourage me to do not study at the very last min.
but then does he know how much i studied?
maths is challenging.
i know all the basic.
but idk how come i do not know hw to do.
he din even gu li wo but instead malign mi.
hey. im upset abt that can.
you dont even understand me or know me well.
who are you to judge me just like that?
i dont get it is first impression really that impt?
does one deem you as who you are base on what he knows?
well.
i never agree with that.
i once thought that without my cousins' concern its okay.
friends and family are enough.
but sometime i sacrifice for the family and secretly suffering they didnt know and just judge me like that.
i didnt say that i have the ability to support myself now but i will next time.
im so determine to earn millions of buck when i grow up.
im so gona prove to daddy mummy and relatives that i am not what they see.
just because i adapt very quickly as in my character.
it doesnt mean that i am like that.
cant i just want more happiness?
so what if im greedy to ask for happiness?
last time when im unhappy i can think about those happy moments.
but now i cnt.
i can only rmb how many of you malign me. dont understand me. etc.
example 1. i studied hard behind the scene thats why you guys didnt know.
yet im being accused of being lazy?!
*edited*
if only im less demanding everything would be great.
if only i dont wanna ppl to dote and love me more.
the world would be in peace.
if only im rich enough. i would be able to bring happiness to ppl ard me.
if only i dont si yao mian zi. my life would be easier everything would not need to be hidden in my hart.
if only i dare to confide everything to someone.
if only i dont bother about how others think of me.
and lastly if only im willing to die and not bother about them.
as the days are approaching the more i dont dare to face challenges.
if only i could forget about him.
well if only is what ppl lyk me would say when one regrets.
i still cnt believe that im able to act as though as im happy when im upset.
i still cnt believe that im staying at home now when its sunday.
cause normally we would be shopping.
i still cnt believe that ...
as days past.
i cant bear to leave huayi...
im useless........

read some stupid stuffs i wrote in the past.
and was like gona emo again.
but well.
this is my last month of being a 13 year old girl.
so no more of emo-in liao.
aniw.
let me share my happiness with you guys.
I GOT MY BLACK BELT!
IM OFFICIALLY A BLACK BELT'ER ON 051008 :DD
thinking of how nervous i was ytd and then suddenly i knew tt i passed.
i think invisible tears of joy could b felt by myself..
anyway congrats to yiqun and boonkeat too.
we three passed tgt.
when i finished both my pattern my leg was trembling?
i dont know why?
too nervous?
or what?
during the second pattern-sa jung..
i saw yiqun and my diff..
so i redo.
bow and redo.
then i realised i didnt do anything wrong at all!
it was only yiqun who did wrongly.
cause hanwei asked why i redo marh!
did basic kicks.
last two i did damn lousy.
cause my leg no strength.
was like no energy to stand upright.
then it was sparring.
i sparred with my sister first.
she kena kick by mi.. i dam guilty can.
but dont kick also cant worh.then sparred with yiqun.
pain nia.
yiqun always loves to kick the same plart de.
then ytd keep kicking my left thigh.
same area some more!
last but not least with hanwei lor.
he always same movement de.
but then!
i too short larh.
so not that easy when it come to sparring with him.
can see that he give way to me lurh..
he should anyway.
cause black belt marh.
initially was supposed to spar wif sis agn.
by right cnt marh.
den sis spar wif yiqun i think?
waited for the result.
then sir came and said that we treat must treat the sir.
then i and yiqun said we 3 treat 1 sir.
cheap larh.
but actuali is 1 treat 4 sirs?
i was like 'huh?! what u mean'
yiqun shouted 'means we pass larh' and she 'scream'
i was like 'what the hell i passed!?'
damn happy really.
so long never so happiness in this kinda manner.
i thought i was going to fail can.
and waste the hundred buck.
now is joey's turn liao.hahha
after that was suppose to go home immediately to study.
if not go eat with yiqun and yiyang.
in the end we waited for yiqun and her bro to buy tdk tee shirt.
and my mummy, me, sis, yiqun and her bro, hanwei, simon and sir
tgt we went to toapayoh the koufu der to eat.
mum treat them to drinks.
ate saba fish and simon said i and him de same.
buy those sort-of-got-fire food.
i cant rmb what vocab he used.
yiqun damn pro can.
drink milo until whole shirt and pant got.
lucky she bought a shirt nia.
ohh..
and when i was doing the pattern earlier on.
i've got no idea why i waas worrying for yiqun.
maybe i thought that she was nervous and unstable.
as in mentally larh.
chatted for like 1h30min or 2h..
we damn selfish lurh.
eat finish still occupied the tables and chairs.
hah..
after that.
they went home while me sis and mummy walked around waiting for 3 oclock to arrive.
dad came went to eat and buy soonkueh and bazhang.
bought some for auntie jinmei so went her house to give her.
went home and mug from 630? till 1230.
not straight larh.
8+ 9+ got rest 5 mins.
hah
im soo tired now.
want sleep but cant.
D:
4 mor papers to go! = 4 mor night of night studying till 1 am... -.-
once again grats too boonkeat and yiqun :DDD

A rebel with and without a cause, you belong to the clan of the Brujah. This clan is the muscle of the Camarilla and are always up for fights. However, you are difficult to control...especially since you tend to frenzy easier than most vampires. You are /the/ clan not to piss off or expect a missing limb. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

The Brujah
The Brujah are inheritors of a majestic and ancient legacy, which is unfortunate. Tonight's Brujah seem less like a clan and more like a mob. Punks, terrorists, revolutionaries, criminals, gangbangers and the like make up the Brujah; the clan seems to be united in nothing save its contempt for the institutions of vampire and mortal society. Well, this is not entirely true; Clan Brujah are among the most savage vampires, and the most trivial slight or annoyance may trigger a howling Brujah frenzy. The Brujah's disunity keeps the clan tenuously in the Camarilla, but Brujah thugs routinely defect to the anarchs, the better to strike against their hated elders. Even the "tamer" Brujah annoy the elders and princes routinely through acts of defiance and rebellion. Despite their recalcitrance, however, Brujah are valued as warriors; they are perhaps the most dangerous vampires in a straightforward battle. To anger a Brujah is nigh suicidal - and Brujah are notorious for their tempers.

Isis Honorable, straightforward and idealistic. Active and self-confident. Colors: male: white, female: blue Compatible Signs: Osiris, Thoth Dates: Mar 11 - Mar 31, Oct 18 - Oct 29, Dec 19 - Dec 31 Role: Goddess of motherhood, women, and magic; goddess of the South; protector of Imseti (the son of Horus who watched over the canopic jar containing the liver) Appearance: Woman wearing the hieroglyph for "throne" on her head What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign? Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.