slept at around 620am
cause i wanted to clear my debt but
ending up owning more
then 6am got weird weird noise
so took a while to sleep
woke up at 720am
and prepared
did some ritual stuff thingy
chanting etc etc etc
when walking round the coffin
i counted and there were 50 ppls
supposed to have more
but many are overseas now
i tried controlling my emotions
but
however i failed
at least not as jialat as last year
this morning i was like shivering
feeling cold
for no reason
think gonna sick soon
but all thanks to rex's jacket
love him lots man
ohh
and i and sis were the only two were home tee
the rest were the 'uniform'
i thought no one would cry
but in the end i saw her son and some grandchildren crying
im the only great grandchild crying man
after everything
we gotta walk
you see!
walk a very long distance
lucky jacelyn drove uncle's car
and i followed
hehes
alot ppl damn jealous said i smart nia
then to the cemetery
was told that 45years ago it was booked already
greatgrandpa passed away just too early for many of his grandbaobaos
was freaking hot
and i wore a jacket
and bobian
wore sunglasses too
keep kena scratch by those branches nia..
nothing much and went to temple
i was like freaking bored
then homed to bath
saw the photos tooken
and we borrowed the SDcard from the photographer
ending up not buying any photos from him
and he kept staring at rex nia
cause he was the one who borrowed it
ehh
emptied both george and rex wallet
tried on george's prada sunglass
think i gonna buy gucci's
but got degree then can larh
and 1 burberry wallet
something random
i had kluang's chendol on 24nov
which would be my last time nia
hope today can have my last lampchop and i would
wave/say goodbye to kluang
prepared to go christy's and james' house
for overnight
for a week?
depend
however my grandma also staying
cause they think that she got mild stroke or gonna tio
so go JB for checkup
and mum and sis also staying
i was like wahlao
but they would be leaving so much earlier than me
i dont wanna go back singapore
cause i would be remisced by those stuff
these funeral really allows me to know more uncles and aunties of my
and many many more larh...
shall continue soon..............

IM MISSING WYNIE, REX, TAK, CHARLES, GEORGE and their slibings nia
conclusion today might be my last day visiting my oh not that distance relative

ytd had bakuteh for breakfast
and then to bingyiguan
i dont know what u call tt in english
went out with uncle and cousin and sis
for chendol
i had two bowls man
cause not cold enough
then how i know two bowl also useless nia
back to there and
walked to the stationery shop for poker cards
i meat i pei-ed charles larh
the whole day i was wining then losing then winin then in debt
since 3+ to 4am+
we played daidi
when there wasnt any prayers and err
dinner time etc etc
we were playing daidi larh
and islike i gotta cherish today
4th day alrdy
and and and
tmr would be my last time seeing all my uncles and aunties man D:

on friday went to jb tgt with my aunt.
slacked at M2 then to uncle house for awhile
before sending aunt and wynie off.
off to holiday plaza and bought shirt and ate
bought some doughnut too..
home-d and had dinner at lavender there.
well basically that day was okay only

satarday.
before i could make myself happy.
i was told that greatgrandma had left us..
well i was upset and theres only a little tears only..
i was ultra sad but maybe because the way i was told
was different frm how daddy tells.
dad would normally keep it frm mi 1st then he would say
girl i gt sth to tel u.
by this time i would gt afraid and then slowly will cry de...
so you cansay gt no feeling like that.
breakfast n lunch were all being bought bck home frm aunt
and then had dinner at skudai before leaving for kluang aka the funeral
straight away went to 3rd aunt there
and said
less than 24hrs wo men you jian mian le
and i even told charles that i didnt expect us to meet again
maybe after funeral it would be impossible to meet these uncles of my
includin tak etc etc
however we all live in singapore so shld be easy as what he claimed.
hope so
frm 9+ to 11+
chatted with charles and george and halfway grandaunt joined too.

on fri i wanted to lombang car to go kluang and didnt expect sat to..
well
sometime its just oh so coincidence
when her house is being sold and after she met her son..
she left (peacefully)

and now im in her house
gosh
at first i was chao scare de can
and then i only brought 1 set of clothing cause
im suppose to follow my aunt to jb.
im oh so independent leh.
butbutbut
tonight maybe no aircon leh
sleeping in living room which is oh so near her room..

sometime i really wish to tell wynie about how i feel
cause to me shes really a special cousin.
but what she did today was really too painful for me to handle
she said that i didnt take photos with her.
so i say ltr ba.
den asked me to pei her slp etc etc
cause everytime we visit each other we will de.
then tonight last night liao.
and shes not at my hse nw.
went to jp for dinner the to kim's house for alcohol
then aunt which i tink she lied
saying that our mum ask us to stay at her hse.
this part onwards i was fckin angry man.
she agreed and i didnt mind staying
but then is like we wanted to pei each other at my hse
i was fckin angry and i ave attitude and asked aunt to drive me hm.
but hw i no on the way home tears kip rolling down.
and i sort of shouted to her mum.
however.
all these feelings that i kept to myself.
does anyone know?
no.
and my grandma taying at my hse nw.
i actually find her....
wahpiang wei!

anyway dont bother to stay in my hse anymor.
nxt time go to 1st aunt hse.
kim der marh.
u two more gam..
i can only pei u watch movie etc etc
nt tok abt childhood stuff.
althou we two gt alot of memories.
tmr whn she cum bck im so gona gim atitude.
wich i did since 7pm till now.
i wanted to pei her to malaysia for her coach.
but i think im givin tt thought up

p/s i just knew tt my greatgrandma tio stroke.
however the 3rd generation ppl all think tt she dyin
1st aunt say if tt night she kept tokin she was ard and knew wat she was tokin
we would no if she dying

gosh.
i damn love my darling alot man.
really thanks alot for staying 1 more day at my house.
which mean another day of sleeping at 3am.
supposed to lombang uncle's car to malaysia and stay overnight
at xiaojiu house.
but last min aunt decided to leave tmr.
actually wanted to go malaysia to destress?
san san xin larh.
cause now it seem that my greatgrandma got alot daiji
but thats not the main larh.
main thing is to accompany my cousin for 1 more day.
cause i really love her alot marh.
i mean among all my cousin.
she is like the most closest to me
beside jacelyn and kim cause they live n singapore more.
the rest of my paternal cousin.
we all not that close.
although i see them more than wynie :D
well.
now waiting for kim and going shopping soon..
thinks the adult gg to some restaurant for dinner neh.

sweet family photo..(1)
(everyone turn up except for xiaoguzhang)

happy family photo (2)

1. The person who tagged you is:
- BoonKeat

2.Your relationship with him/her:
-laopengyou. 10year de friendship leh.

3.Your five impression of him/her:
- man of his words at times, caring, flirt, beng, sort of friendly LOL

4.The most memorable thing he/she has done for you:
- nth? i only rmb he ate two pieces of cake when we were young(bt tis isnt sth he had done for mi) / pei mi home ba

5.If he/she become my lover?
- impossible

6.The most memorable thing he/she has said to you:
- sorry? hah.

7.If he/she becomes my lover, he/she has to improved on?
- if thats the case. damn lots of things to improve liao lol

8.If she become your enemy?
- enemy jiu enemy lo. but i tink it would sth to be sad abt.
cause 10 years de frenship jiu zheyang break liao

9.What is it you want to tell him?
--NIL-

10.Overall impression Good?
- can say so lurh..

11.How do you think the people around you feel about you:
-how would i know larh.
it depends(haolian? someone who treasure frenship?etcetcetc)

12.The character you love most about yourself?
-when i treasure ppl ard me

13.Pass this quiz to 10 person:
1.lixuan
2.lifang
3.millie
4.yongzheng
5.zhaoyi
6.evangeline
7.siti
8.jiaen
9.nelson
10.huimin

14.Who is number 6 having relationsion with?
- im not tt kpo

15.Is number 9 a female or male?
- male

16.If number 7 and 10 together, good?
-no. lesbian leh

17.When was the last time you talk to number 3?
-3 days back?

18.What is number 2 studying about?
- bio chem ar?

19.Does number 1 has siblings?
- yeah 2 sis

20.Does 5 and 9 get along ?
- can consider yeap ba

21.Talk about number 2:
- mushroom

22.Are you best friend with number 5?
nope. good or close ba? know each other less than 3mth oni nia

23.What is number 10 doing ?
- do i give a damn about tt?

p/s the 10 name i rote is meant for the following question and i wouldnt be taggin them to do this
i is give boonkeat face then do de can. so boonkeat. u shld understand uh

why does holidays seem no fun to me now..
ytd went to jurong east with mum sis grandma cousin aunt and uncle
for breakfast.
but then dont know why i was chao hot tempered ytd.
went to westmall.
met eric and then had chendol..
when to blk111 to slack with wynie and sis.
then help mum bought some food for dinner.
then brought wynie home and off for party/gathering
had pizza(hut)..
and went to blk 161 to see what happen cause
we got info that someone commited suicide.
but then frm 12th floor jump down to the shelter.
like nth happen like that.
back to 169
and slacked again.
till 8?
home-d and nth much.
from 10+~230pm
i and wynie will like chiong some dbsk shows.
2am that time i already a little tired liao
but aiya
who ask me am such a good cousin to her
so tahan till 230am.
but then who knows she so kind de.
allow me to off laptop so slept and woke up at 945am
guai right?
so late slp so early wake up.
pls lurh!
945am to me is chao chao chao early de can.
unlike the past 1pm is the earliest time that i can wake up =X

im starting to think that i've let alot of people down.
so what can i do to make up the wrong that i've done?

today i improve alittle by acting happy until 530pm
at least i can act longer :D

today was rather stupid
went to evangeline block there.
went to js mac.
and to be frank i really felt chao paiseh there.
i didnt expect the person whom i dont wanna see there D:
anyway it was a oh-so-unlucky day for me larh.
didnt eat cause no appetite.
chatted with mrs sally e
then to it resource room.
2pm went to tehtarik there.
ate and went to aunt's house.
actually i didnt really expect myself to go with them to eat de lo.
them= zhaoyi, siti, radin, lixin, atiqah, yongzheng and geoffrey.
i still cant believe that i went to eat with them when i didnt wanted to cause...
whatever it is.
zhaoyi!
be proud that benxiaojie went with you guys because of you worh.
hehe..
somehow x'mas can be consider as round the corner.
but why no qifen.
and i had the feeling that i would not be able to spend my x'mas happily.
D:

i cant stand it.
if i dont post what im feeling now.
i will keesiao de
i really dont know should transfer school or not!
i dont know i dont know i dont know.
i freaking hate my character.
im hating myself now.
im purposely making my life miserable now.
ohmytian.
could i just leave like that?

i regretted askind him that question which is making me so miserable now
everyday i would be skipping all my meals.
locking myself at home beside leaving for lessons for some sort of impt meeting/gathering.
why am i making myself so miserable?
im upset and i should try to be happy.
but i dont want.
i rather to be that upset.
why?
why am i like that?
i dont even know why i become like this?
i changed.
now i dont even know who i am.
how i wish i could be abandon.
my mind is in a mess.

i thought that im strong.
but im not.
i thought that i could be strong.
but i failed.
im making myself seem strong but am weak inside.
thats me.
and because of that im always the one losing out.
im understanding.
but i dont know why im not now.
to me studies come first.
then relationship.
but now.
it doesnt seem so to me.
i should be understanding cause N level is impt.
but why am i upset over the reason that N level is more impt.
im not suppose to be like this.
i should be those girl who would be saying
nah is okay.
N level more impt i can understand de.
i should be acting to be more da fang.
but why arent i acting now?
why?
there are just too many things for me say.
but i dont know how to.
and i think it would be inappropriate for me to do so.

oh please,
how i can forget everything that had happened?
i dont want to be as upset as last time.
i had enough.
spare me.
is ending my life the only way.
theres alot thing that i wanna say but i doubt i would be able to.

you asked me to stop loving you,
but then why is that you still express your concern for me.
this way,
how am i suppose to forget you, stop loving you?
to be frank.
asking me to forget you, stop loving you
is impossible.
its the same if you ask me to smile.
stop asking me to.
cause i cant smile and i wouldnt smile.
why is it that you are the guy that i really chao ai de.
who am i to face to when im down?
im afraid i cant hold on any longer.
i hate to be acting happy when im not!

now i really wish that im still in india.
and not back in singapore.
this week has been a really sad week?
sort of.
at first i thought that i would be upset for 3 month
just because of what he say.
but then now i doubt so le.
instead i think i will be upset for more then 3month~

im feeling a little much better cause i attended taekwondo on friday
with that bunch of kaixinguo de pengyou.
but then when in mac that time jiu upset again.
is like wth.

ytd went to grandma house for awhile.
then off to a restaurant.
her birthday marhh.
dont know why ytd temper was chao hot de lo.
it was until i receive a msg then jiu happy alittle.
glad to know tt he is concern about me.
then took some photos.
well, im happy cause everyone were present and we all took a family photo but without
xiaoguzhang.
nvm.
cause for me to tke a grp photo with my cousin is like
chao nan de lurh.
and ytd is they asked me to join them take de
see!
im those girl who can get happy easily.
not daxiaojie etc etc.
but then aft 1030pm
i was angry+sad

cause i heard that my 3rdaunt is visitin me marh.
then sh was supposed to be drive to singapore by my uncle then dont know why nv.
and when i show a little of displeasure that my aunt still had not contacted us
my mum was like also dont need wo guan.
do u no how difficult it is for me to act as thou idont give a damn about her comin.
when i wanted her to come alot.
but overall im still tat happy about the family photo.

today,
i question-ed myself.
why is it that those oh-so-sad things are happening one after the other.
received a call and they asked dad to fetch auntie over but dad gota work
so maybe will maybe will not.
however thats not what im upset about.
i just gotta know that greatgrandma landed in hospital cause of high blood pressure - 200+
althou im nt cose to her.
but still my elder marh.
whats more grandpa died last year only.
to be frank dont needa say.
we also know whats going to happen soon.
i mean is like.
we have been hiding from her that her son is dead.
lied that he went to china to visit his hometown.
and the problem is.
i dont like hiding the truth.
i really want her to know.
high blood pressure?
will lead to death de meh?
and last night she didnt sleep a wink and was talking the whole night.
got the signs liao lo.
at first i was angry about my aunt maybe i shouldnt.
and now i really wish that dad can go fetch auntie
which is an excuse for me to go to kluang awhile
and then persuade them to allow me to visit greatgrandma.
i dont wana regret like what i did last year.
let me see her for the last time larh.
gosh.
im saying as thou as shes dying.
my auntie and uncle mor kuangzhang can.
soe rushed bck to see her.
and maybe on the way preparin her funeral le.
while me in singapore now watchin tv, drinkin ice lemon tea and bloggin.
haish.
i dont wish to see my mummy sad again like last year.
why is it that everytime i realise that theres a guy who likes me
ppl close to me will be dyin?
last year also like that
this year also?
because of my grandpa's death i and him were over
i dont wish for sth similar like this to happen again

i dont know what im sad about now.
why am i on the verge of crying?

-the msg that he sent? (which is like days back)
but im still upset over that can!

-sad + angry cause i deny the fact that aunt will b e comin
i keep saying that they all are lying and she come singapore is because her mum so coincidence came to visit my family and my 1st aunt's

-maybe i cant accept the fact that greatgrandma might die soon.
which is what dad predict too
and actually me and mum too.

-or maybe? because 2nd aunt said 'bu yao yue da yue mei li mao'
come on man.
ytd i was hot tempered marh. cnt meh? D:

think when i saw my aunt i will get frustrated and scold her ;(
which is what i always do
but then they should know that because they mean alot to me marh

example:
a friend of my dont wanna take medicine
and i said dont take dont take la die is ur prob.
why?
cause im concern thats why i will get so angry over that ma.
if that friend is someone who i dont give a damn.
you think i will say that or not?

i admit im v hot tempered at times.
but im also a human marh!

if today is thurs/fri/sat i might not be talking all these but the sms.
but forget it maybe later.
im still upset about that okay

p/s althou i no that high blood pressure dun lead to death
but i got the feeling can.
feeling not zhun de i know.
and im not mi xin.
but sometime things are very weird de
maybe she cant bear to shift house so..
no scientific proof but its just like that can.

today wasnt really a good day for me.
headache, gastric, wanting to vomit and sore throat.
and xin tong also.

went to feiyu to look for grandma and mum up.
then to imm.
met up with geoffrey then walked around and slacked.
bought some liangcha for that stupid throat of my.
walked one round of the first floor then to some soybean shop(forgotten th name)
anyway thank geoffrey for asking me whether i wanna at the pancake or not.
but please please please care about yourself first.
bu yao bing dao.
off to garden plaza then
choochoo vonnevonne and stacey came and left.
cause theres nth to do.
so we left.
i alone can.
walk alone to the busstop.
while the 4 of them left to jurong east for public transport.

yongzheng is such a liar man.
say until comfirm going then last min never go.
everyone is like that de.
wo shang xin le larh.

ohh and i realise those close friend of my whom we meet once a week
are also liars.
liars liars liars
whatever you guys promised before i left were lies.

if males are like that i dont mind.
buteven females too.
come on man.
i feel like im a fool now.

你弄得我很乱。
爱或不爱？
make up your mind and tell me please. :)

home-d and watched tv.
gosh.
my gastric pain seem to love me alot and keep sticking with me.

为什么对我这么好？
现在我爱上了你该怎么办？

当我在哭时，
你的肩膀在那里,
你的拥抱。

当我不舒服时，
你帮我拿着我的包包。

当我害怕的时候，
你的手给我牵。

不管我打你多么的大力，
不管我打你多少次，
你都不会大声的骂我或大力的打我。

我叫你帮我拿水，
你就拿。

感觉上，
你特别的关心我。

别人说我们在一起，
你都没反抗。

我只是问你是否和她在一起，
你直接就说不是！
还说到comfirm没有。

i asked if you like me once.
you said yes.
i asked when.
you said you will tell mi later.
and then in the end the teacher was in between us so we couldnt talk.

when we got off the plane.
i asked you.
you blur blur.
as though you forgotten everything.
in the end the reason was because you ton the whole night..
that is why..
do you know that question/answer is almost everything to me.
do you know!?
do you know that reply you gave pierce through my heart
when i was already very sick and weak,
that im forcing myself to be strong and not faint.
i was fed up with that reply which meant alot to me.
but nothing to you.
do you know?
do you know how much i love you?
do you know or not?
everyday in india.
i miss you.
thinking what you were doing at that moment.
before i sleep i think of you.
the moment i woke up i think of you.
yet..
you dont love me as much as i do.
although i know i shouldnt think that way.

why lend me your shoulder when im crying?
why?
dont love me.
dont lend me!

i was fed up thus i threw my passport and ticket.
why picked them up?!
why?!
did i asked you to?
why give me the wrong impression?

and the last time when i was crazy over you.
why didnt you tell me you liked me?
why?
i only rmbed you telling me that you like another sec3 girl.
and asked me if i fallen for you.
and i closed my eyes saying no.

and now the answer is only
maybe xihuan wo.
if you were to choose between xihuan or buxihuan.

boy,
why give me the wrong impression.
why make me feel so helpless now.
why make me ai shang ni.
why?
can you tell me why?
many told me that they can see that you like me and
esp cares for me.
but the only answer i got was.
the feelings is back when you see the soft side of me.

whats this man?
i had enough!
it took me more then 2 month to get over me that time.
and now im crazy over you again.
but what can i get in return?
its holiday now man.
why make me suffer during this period.

if you dont like me.
why carry my bag for me?
why carry stuffs that i asked you to?
why lend me your shoulder and put your arm/hand over it?
why did you allow me to hold on tight to your hand at Residency?
do you know how jealous i felt when lixin just cut across us.
leaving me alone at the very back in a foreign country.

crapp.
now i dont even know what im typing.

you should now that if you treat a girl too good.
she will ai shang ni.
so why?
why did you do that for?
how am i going to clean up the mess that i made for myself?
why is it you the guy that im crazy over?

why is it that it seemed to me that you are really a flirt.
i think none of the sentences that you told me were real.
曾经喜欢过我?
现在有点喜欢我?
are they true?
i really wonder.
the more questions i asked.
the more fake they seemed to be.

can i be happy after knowing the truth?